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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Your writing is very choppy. you cut of at all the wrong places. make it flow better. also, emo poetry, not a good title. make it more capturing to a less specific audience.
Is there a reason this is called emo poetry (which should be capitalized by the way)? Becaues I found it far from emo, it's beautiful and not really that depressing.
Ok. So this poem's basic idea was a little lost to me. I bouldn't grasp onto it. There was not a time when I really got hooked on this poem. If you wrote this for a class assignment you'd get a good grade, but what you really want is to grab your readers and not let them go.
Keep writing always, it looks like you got potential.
I'm not going to nit pick you on this. Everyone has left sufficient (and mainly justified) critiques.
However, many people have failed to mention that it is a creative poem and I think you did well.
I can tell you didn't just 'throw it together'.
Whenever one person dislikes a poem, the herd follows, you know? All the claims of this sucking are ludicrous.
I didn't even know emo people had their own poetry... I feel mildly offended.
Well, this wasn't bad! It just... wasn't amazing. Okay fine. I'll be honest with you because I would want you to be honest with me. This isn't good. It seemed like it was always building to a climax that never came. And it just.... didn't have flow. I think with some rewriting, you could have the base of something going.
Be proud that you've managed even to write poetry! It is a field in which most fail or are violently killed in. Don't get discouraged, and keep writing!
-Tori
I'm not going to say it's horrible. I'm not even going to say it's bad. I'm just going to give my comments. You didn't put any thought into it. You just threw it together. It's really just a downwards drop from the first line. Sorry. And if your really wondering about love, usually more questions follow. I also only read it for the title; which I will say is horrible. No thoughts there. Anyways, I know I'm only 13, and I pretty much suck at writing. But I know when I see good writing and not so good writing. But keep writing. You can always revise and rewrite. Don't take all the criticism to a personal level. Were just trying to help.
Umm...The other reviews actually felt harsh even though I'm not the writer of this poem. Anyway, sorry but I'll have to give another negative review.
And, don't overdo it.
I don't have much experience with poetry but I can tell that this one is poorly written. The structure was a mess, and it failed at using 'that' kind of structure they're talking about. The title was also a fail. It totally lacked creativity and the term 'emo' didn't match with what is in the poem.
The first stanza was fine for me. Unfortunately, it's the only stanza I liked. The rest of the poem was like a series of zigzag lines going downwards.
I'm sorry that this review isn't really helpful, but I hope you can learn something from a comment of an inexperienced reader. This poem just needs editing and a new title. Read other poems that use the structure you're trying to use. I'm sure you'll learn from reading.
Anyway, I actually read this poem because of the title and it because it is featured. It turns out that this is featured because it is 'controversial', but in a negative way. >.<
Keep writing. There's always room for improvement.
- Whisperer -
For me, right? You posted this for me, right?
What a joke. Helpful + emo poetry = disaster. You are incapable of writing it. Enjambment seems to be your friend here - or, should I say, your enemy - (and yes, this is the phase where I go crazy over enjambment correctly for effect and subtlety) and it's stopping you from writing this in what is colloquially termed an 'emo' manner. Emotional, yes. Emo? No.
For that, you need a less acute awareness of the cliché. More whining. More clunky and juvenile sentence structure. Less finesse. More roses&kisses&blackness&vampires& and and and...
Sorry. You can't do emo. Not anymore, anyway.
So. Little things to make it prettier, then:
Sentiment - fine. Repetition of love - not fine. I don't know if replacing the second 'love' with 'it' will work or not. Play with it.
Delicacy. If there's any reason for why you might have dumped this into the 'emo poetry' category, it would be because of minor delicacy issues, minor elegance issues that render it somewhat angsty/junvenile hence 'emo' to you. Keyword: minor.
'And have I ever felt it?' is meh. Phrased wrongly. More beating about the bush / evasive phrasing would be nice. Suggestive. Try something else - 'I cannot remember if I have / felt the opening in the head' or 'Can I say that I have / felt the...' Yes. I think placing the 'felt' on the second line could make all the difference here.
You've got perfect punctuation all throughout - why did you decide to abandon it with the 'no'?
I was trying to pinpoint what irked me about this stanza, and I think I have it - it feels too little. More exposition, please. Gets too small too fast, otherwise.
HA. Light. This is what adore and detest about you, your writing: that you can make beautiful again such ideas as light, which would otherwise be so CLICHÉ in this context of love. And you provide just the point of difference with the imagery following. Tender, tangible. I feel a crescendo here, falling as your imagery tumbles on the word 'dip'.
Gee, really getting into psychology here, aren't we? As if you knew we hadn't had enough of 'light' in the preceding stanza! First line would actually be really beautiful by itself, were it not so terribly paled in comparison to what came before it. But we've talked about this before: this is like the 'echo' after the main melody...yes?
Last line made me laugh. Typical Helfpulpointedness. But the middle? No. 'bluely' is the offending word. Also - 'sky' is likewise. You've already got LIGHT and EYE in this ('emo' - not) poem on love; and at the moment, they are working nicely together. 'Sky' was too mundane here. Too predictable. Whip out some creativity with word choice, please.
Such a Shakespeare, you. First stanza quoted was nice. Still an echo. The second quoted bit fizzles, partly due to length, partly due to actual thematic substance. I'd remove it entirely, but at the same time, I feel you need something there. 'Flew's' rhyme was childish, as was the 'oh'.
For the most part, I would disagree with Snoink on structure, based purely on the feelings I get when reading it. There's something akin to the triangular Greek tragedic structure here; rising action, climax at the centre, and then anagnoresis, a fall, like in music also. (SORRY, GALERIUS, FOR STEALING YOUR THUNDER.)
But I also think we need something just a tad more, a last strong - but not overpowering - reverberation for you to leave us with before it dies out completely. This last stanza is nothing more than a whisper. I want something that grips a little harder - perhaps in a stanza that precedes this - and addresses the aesthetic / aural sensibilities a little more violently. Mezzoforte. Mezzofortepiano, to be exact. Loudness followed by softness.
Can you do this? Yes, of course you can. Run along now. Send me whatever you rehash it to.
Navi
Should I be talking about love?
I have heard that I am supposed <-- Kill this line. It sucks.
to be talking about love. <-- Same here.
And have I ever felt it? the opening
in the head? The rush of water,
or blood, through inadequate valves <-- Don't be wishy-washy -- use "of" instead of "or"
no. Though
I can tell you about beauty
(moments of);
the light, at night, on a woman's chest,
branching along her collarbone,
divided by the dip between slack breasts,
or light caught in the corner of an eye, <-- Light seems too repeated here... I would totally talk about gleam or something else.
or light reflecting bluely from the sky, <-- YUCK.
or light, <-- This is okay.
there has never been
a moment that lived past the moment
in my head: never a want that grew, <-- Get rid of "in my head"
and did not at once burn,
and even flew.
Oh never.
Should I, then, be talking
about
love <-- This stanza seems a bit oddly placed.
What do I mean by oddly placed? Check this out:
Introduction
First part
Second part
Conclusion
Notice something? You totally didn't do the rule of three. And it's super awkward because of that. It seems like you're leading it up to the grand third part, which is going to be this huge statement of how you really do feel. But no... you conclude. And it seems wayyy too fast and wayyy too awkward. So look it over again. You'll see it!